Thursday, February 4, 2016
Check Up and Test Results
I had my appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, a follow up to or
first meeting in November, and to go over my test results.
First, we discussed my sleep study and subsequent placement on a bi-pap machine. She said The test revealed 58 apnea/hypopnea episodes per hour, and with the machine, my average is now 1.8 episodes an hours, which she called excellent.
She said that my lung function test showed no signs of asthma, no signs of COPD. The only thing it reflected were shrunken lungs, which is due to my weight.
She said that she was extremely pleased with my progress. The only thing that she mentioned was my weight, with the shrunken lungs remark and one other time. To me, I took it as a sign that its time to regroup and refocus on losing. I have been happy to maintain, but I need to drop more.
I was so happy with the news that losing weight is actually starting to excite me again. I plan to regroup over the next few days and set the wheels in motion on Monday. I am so looking forward to feeling even better, now that I am somewhat used to feeling this much better from being so ill last year.
I go back to her in April, and she said there is a chance I might be able to discontinue the blood thinners then. She will just want to check my legs to make certain I have no clots in them, and also wants to do a new electrocardiogram to see how much pressure I have on my heart and lungs now. She said she suspects it will have definitely improved, especially with the bi-pap and my other improvements.
I am so thankful to God for all of the healing I have done and for the additional healing that is to come, as I know He will continue to heal me. I need to lean heavily on Him for the weight loss to assure my success. God needs to be in the center so I can make it.
Here's to Monday and the skinniness to come!!
First, we discussed my sleep study and subsequent placement on a bi-pap machine. She said The test revealed 58 apnea/hypopnea episodes per hour, and with the machine, my average is now 1.8 episodes an hours, which she called excellent.
She said that my lung function test showed no signs of asthma, no signs of COPD. The only thing it reflected were shrunken lungs, which is due to my weight.
She said that she was extremely pleased with my progress. The only thing that she mentioned was my weight, with the shrunken lungs remark and one other time. To me, I took it as a sign that its time to regroup and refocus on losing. I have been happy to maintain, but I need to drop more.
I was so happy with the news that losing weight is actually starting to excite me again. I plan to regroup over the next few days and set the wheels in motion on Monday. I am so looking forward to feeling even better, now that I am somewhat used to feeling this much better from being so ill last year.
I go back to her in April, and she said there is a chance I might be able to discontinue the blood thinners then. She will just want to check my legs to make certain I have no clots in them, and also wants to do a new electrocardiogram to see how much pressure I have on my heart and lungs now. She said she suspects it will have definitely improved, especially with the bi-pap and my other improvements.
I am so thankful to God for all of the healing I have done and for the additional healing that is to come, as I know He will continue to heal me. I need to lean heavily on Him for the weight loss to assure my success. God needs to be in the center so I can make it.
Here's to Monday and the skinniness to come!!
Friday, January 29, 2016
So Emotional
It's amazing what I realize now that I am regaining a sense of normalcy. One huge thing is how much my emotions were effected.
When my father got sick last spring, it was devastating. When I first took my Mom back and forth to the hospital daily to see him, the stress was wicked. But, by the time me passed away the next month, I suddenly felt like I shut down. I initially told my sister that my dam had not yet burst. When I felt a tear roll down my face just before his service began, she asked me "Did the dam finally break?" I had assumed so, but apparently, not, as I dried up as fast as I cried. I barely shed a tear in the days leading up to his funeral and beyond. It bothered me, but I couldn't make any sense of it.
A month later, my sweet little shih tzu Bijou, who I have had nearly 15 years, became ill, and I knew his end was near. I was still sleeping on the couch at night and he cried all night that night. Instead of it breaking my heart like it does now when I think about it, all I wanted him to do was shut up. When he died the next day, I cried for two minutes as I held him before we buried him, then dried up like an old sponge.
I had no idea that it was my illness doing this to me, effecting my mind along with my body. No idea until I got home and felt a rush of emotions, like I wasn't prepared for. I was overjoyed and so thankful and grateful to be home with my husband and son. I had no idea what I was in store for though. Every time I talked with a family member or friend and they'd tell me how they really thought I was dying, the tears would flow. One day, I said something about my Dad, and it felt like my hear ripped in two. I started thinking about how much I loved him and how much I missed him. I thought about the last time I saw him alive, and how hard he was trying to get his last thoughts across to all of us. I started crying and didn't know when I'd stop.
A few weeks later, we brought out the Christmas decorations and we pulled out the stockings. There was Bijou's. Suddenly, I got pushed back six months, back to holding his furry little lifeless body in my arms. I thought about everything we had been through together, and how before Daniel came along, he was my baby. Instant tears.
It was like my being sick prevented my mourning, not once, but twice. But I discovered, it was so much more than that. I heard the song "Because You Loved Me" b Celine Dion and when I heard her sing "You were my voice when I couldn't speak", I burst into tears. I suddenly thought about how Randall stood up for me in the hospital when I had the trach and couldn't talk, not to mention all he did for me over the 10 weeks and beyond, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love. There's a whole post on this subject coming, and it will give such meaning to this breakdown.
Everything effects me so much more intensely now....viral videos, songs, you name it. I guess after being denied my feelings for so long, they're playing catch up. I just pray I never get like that again. .
Emotions are such a special gift. Never take them for granted....please.
When my father got sick last spring, it was devastating. When I first took my Mom back and forth to the hospital daily to see him, the stress was wicked. But, by the time me passed away the next month, I suddenly felt like I shut down. I initially told my sister that my dam had not yet burst. When I felt a tear roll down my face just before his service began, she asked me "Did the dam finally break?" I had assumed so, but apparently, not, as I dried up as fast as I cried. I barely shed a tear in the days leading up to his funeral and beyond. It bothered me, but I couldn't make any sense of it.
A month later, my sweet little shih tzu Bijou, who I have had nearly 15 years, became ill, and I knew his end was near. I was still sleeping on the couch at night and he cried all night that night. Instead of it breaking my heart like it does now when I think about it, all I wanted him to do was shut up. When he died the next day, I cried for two minutes as I held him before we buried him, then dried up like an old sponge.
I had no idea that it was my illness doing this to me, effecting my mind along with my body. No idea until I got home and felt a rush of emotions, like I wasn't prepared for. I was overjoyed and so thankful and grateful to be home with my husband and son. I had no idea what I was in store for though. Every time I talked with a family member or friend and they'd tell me how they really thought I was dying, the tears would flow. One day, I said something about my Dad, and it felt like my hear ripped in two. I started thinking about how much I loved him and how much I missed him. I thought about the last time I saw him alive, and how hard he was trying to get his last thoughts across to all of us. I started crying and didn't know when I'd stop.
A few weeks later, we brought out the Christmas decorations and we pulled out the stockings. There was Bijou's. Suddenly, I got pushed back six months, back to holding his furry little lifeless body in my arms. I thought about everything we had been through together, and how before Daniel came along, he was my baby. Instant tears.
It was like my being sick prevented my mourning, not once, but twice. But I discovered, it was so much more than that. I heard the song "Because You Loved Me" b Celine Dion and when I heard her sing "You were my voice when I couldn't speak", I burst into tears. I suddenly thought about how Randall stood up for me in the hospital when I had the trach and couldn't talk, not to mention all he did for me over the 10 weeks and beyond, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love. There's a whole post on this subject coming, and it will give such meaning to this breakdown.
Everything effects me so much more intensely now....viral videos, songs, you name it. I guess after being denied my feelings for so long, they're playing catch up. I just pray I never get like that again. .
Emotions are such a special gift. Never take them for granted....please.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Take It From Me...Take Your Meds
While I was in the hospital, after being freed from my 9 IVs, I was
given a slew of pills. They started bright and early with my synthroid,
then I was brought a smorgasbord to swallow in the late morning,
followed by a smaller round just before bed.
As I became more aware, I counted them. First one, then nine, then five more. Fifteen pills a day. I got sent home with a laundry list of prescriptions, including ones for heartburn, stool softeners....even depression and anxiety. I realized then that half of what they were giving me was to combat the side effects of the other half. Seriously. The pain patch would cause nausea, so I was taking something along the lines of Prevacid. The nebulizer treatments could cause anxiety, so I was given an anti anxiety med, along with the option for Xanax when I asked. Being in the hospital itself could cause other anxiety / depression, so I was put on Zoloft, even though I told them I didn't want it. It went on and on.There was no way I was going to take anymore than I had to now that I was home an in control.
First thing I dumped was the Zoloft. I did ask my PCP beforehand and he said it was a low enough dose that I should be able to wean quickly. I went cold turkey. I decided that it was so easy that I'd go cold turkey on the pain patch too. That one, well, it was a little bit more difficult. I actually was shocked as I realized that I was going through withdrawal, For nearly three days, I felt so edgy and twitchy. It was scary. I had never been so glad to feel pain in my life as it wore off,
So, over these last few weeks, I thought, since I already went from 7-8 pills down to a regular 4, I was going to stop taking my Synthroid because I felt fine. I also stopped taking my water pill for a couple of days - after all, I'm not all swollen like I was, and having to run and pee every 15 minutes every day gets a little old.
After a few days of my new regimen, I felt a bit run down. I got on the scale and was up 15 pounds!
I decided to swallow my pride and my pills, and within two days dropped 10 pounds - all water weight. Unreal.
I guess 4 meds isn't so awful for the time being - Synthroid, a water pill, a blood pressure pill and blood thinners. Its by the grace of God I'm already off of the Diabetes meds that I was taking before all of this went down. I have nothing to compain about for sure,
No more self doctoring here! Make sure you don't either, cause apparently all those years in medical school really do mean something. :)
Lots more to come - sorry for the hiatus....just been trying to recfocus on strength first, weight loss second. I'm maintaing 350 right now, and I know its only a matter of time before it begins to fall.
See y'all soon!!
As I became more aware, I counted them. First one, then nine, then five more. Fifteen pills a day. I got sent home with a laundry list of prescriptions, including ones for heartburn, stool softeners....even depression and anxiety. I realized then that half of what they were giving me was to combat the side effects of the other half. Seriously. The pain patch would cause nausea, so I was taking something along the lines of Prevacid. The nebulizer treatments could cause anxiety, so I was given an anti anxiety med, along with the option for Xanax when I asked. Being in the hospital itself could cause other anxiety / depression, so I was put on Zoloft, even though I told them I didn't want it. It went on and on.There was no way I was going to take anymore than I had to now that I was home an in control.
First thing I dumped was the Zoloft. I did ask my PCP beforehand and he said it was a low enough dose that I should be able to wean quickly. I went cold turkey. I decided that it was so easy that I'd go cold turkey on the pain patch too. That one, well, it was a little bit more difficult. I actually was shocked as I realized that I was going through withdrawal, For nearly three days, I felt so edgy and twitchy. It was scary. I had never been so glad to feel pain in my life as it wore off,
So, over these last few weeks, I thought, since I already went from 7-8 pills down to a regular 4, I was going to stop taking my Synthroid because I felt fine. I also stopped taking my water pill for a couple of days - after all, I'm not all swollen like I was, and having to run and pee every 15 minutes every day gets a little old.
After a few days of my new regimen, I felt a bit run down. I got on the scale and was up 15 pounds!
I decided to swallow my pride and my pills, and within two days dropped 10 pounds - all water weight. Unreal.
I guess 4 meds isn't so awful for the time being - Synthroid, a water pill, a blood pressure pill and blood thinners. Its by the grace of God I'm already off of the Diabetes meds that I was taking before all of this went down. I have nothing to compain about for sure,
No more self doctoring here! Make sure you don't either, cause apparently all those years in medical school really do mean something. :)
Lots more to come - sorry for the hiatus....just been trying to recfocus on strength first, weight loss second. I'm maintaing 350 right now, and I know its only a matter of time before it begins to fall.
See y'all soon!!
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Another Victory Celebration
This blog is going to be filled with the truth.
The good, the bad and the ugly.
There will be discussions about things that I endured that I never thought I would say out loud, ones I especially never considered putting in print for all the world to see.
But, I want to remember the depths from which God pulled me for the rest of my grateful existence. And if one person reads these posts and thinks "Wow, I'm not the only one." and is able to grasp even a whisper of hope, it will be worth it.
Today comes a confession.
Sometime about this time last year, I stopped bathing. I could no longer raise my swollen legs high enough to step into the bathtub to take a shower and I didn't have the energy to take sponge baths. Only when I'd get infections under a skin fold would I clean it, and only to stop the pain. I'd change clothes and always wear cologne if we went to church or what have you, but over time, it got to where I knew people had to be able to smell me. I think the pinnacle of shame came when I was finally able to get Randall to admit what I already knew to me.
I of course got bathed in the hospital, rolled side to side by a gaggle of nurses at all hours of the night. I got home and finally screwed up enough courage to take a shower at home, but Randall stayed glued to my side to make sure that I didn't fall.
I still did not bathe daily. My legs would be hurting, or I was too tired, or I just didn't want to burden my already overworked hubby with yet something else.
So today, Randall ran to the store to pick up some lunchmeat for sandwiches for dinner. As soon as he left, I hopped up and headed to the bathroom.
I did it! I took my very first shower in over a year all by myself! I washed my hair, got in and out with no trouble, dried and got dressed without any assistance. When he got home, I was sitting on the sofa in my PJ's pleased as punch with myself. When he told me he was proud of me it really made me smile, because I felt the same way.
In some way...getting stronger every day!
The good, the bad and the ugly.
There will be discussions about things that I endured that I never thought I would say out loud, ones I especially never considered putting in print for all the world to see.
But, I want to remember the depths from which God pulled me for the rest of my grateful existence. And if one person reads these posts and thinks "Wow, I'm not the only one." and is able to grasp even a whisper of hope, it will be worth it.
Today comes a confession.
Sometime about this time last year, I stopped bathing. I could no longer raise my swollen legs high enough to step into the bathtub to take a shower and I didn't have the energy to take sponge baths. Only when I'd get infections under a skin fold would I clean it, and only to stop the pain. I'd change clothes and always wear cologne if we went to church or what have you, but over time, it got to where I knew people had to be able to smell me. I think the pinnacle of shame came when I was finally able to get Randall to admit what I already knew to me.
I of course got bathed in the hospital, rolled side to side by a gaggle of nurses at all hours of the night. I got home and finally screwed up enough courage to take a shower at home, but Randall stayed glued to my side to make sure that I didn't fall.
I still did not bathe daily. My legs would be hurting, or I was too tired, or I just didn't want to burden my already overworked hubby with yet something else.
So today, Randall ran to the store to pick up some lunchmeat for sandwiches for dinner. As soon as he left, I hopped up and headed to the bathroom.
I did it! I took my very first shower in over a year all by myself! I washed my hair, got in and out with no trouble, dried and got dressed without any assistance. When he got home, I was sitting on the sofa in my PJ's pleased as punch with myself. When he told me he was proud of me it really made me smile, because I felt the same way.
In some way...getting stronger every day!
Fear
not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will
strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous
right hand. -- Isaiah 41:10
Friday, January 8, 2016
Weigh In #1
When I look back on this week...
I ate pizza, three times.
I ate out, two times.
I had candy, three times.
I had an after dinner snack, four times.
I didn't drink enough water for two days.
And yet....
I lost 5 pounds.
355 to 350!
88 total pounds lost
11 more to 100 pounds lost
31 to get to half of my goal.
Looking forward to seeing what happens next week when I actually give it a real try!
Onward and downward!
I ate pizza, three times.
I ate out, two times.
I had candy, three times.
I had an after dinner snack, four times.
I didn't drink enough water for two days.
And yet....
I lost 5 pounds.
355 to 350!
88 total pounds lost
11 more to 100 pounds lost
31 to get to half of my goal.
Looking forward to seeing what happens next week when I actually give it a real try!
Onward and downward!
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Signs, Scars and Side Effects
First was the sedentary lifestyle. I literally got to where I would sit on our couch for 23 out of 24 hours each day, only getting up to go to the bathroom. I got to where I could not climb into bed or didn't have the gumption to walk back to the bedroom, so I even "slept" on the couch. I'd sleep for an hour or so, wake up, watch TV for 2-3 hours, then try to sleep some more. I got to where my speech would slur when I was worn out, which was unbelievably embarrassing to have my Mom or hubby looking at me with such concern and confusion.
It got to the point where my 5X clothes were tight. I split nearly every pair of size 14 underwear in half. My shirts fit me like a baby doll tee. I even got to the point that the one pair of shoes I had that fit me no longer could be squeezed into. More embarrassment. When faced with my sisters last spring when my Dad died and seeing the pity and concern in their eyes, I wanted to just become invisible.
Those first visits to the cardiologist over the summer over my legs were embarrassing. I had to ask for the nurse to bring me a chair from their break room out in the waiting area because all of the chairs had arms and I could squeeze my butt into them.
I finally broke down and rented a wheelchair because walking was just too much. I had bedsores on my butt from sitting on the sofa so much. I was nothing but a huge, fluid filled, fat ball of pain. And yet, I always brushed it all off as if all was normal.
In the back of my head though, I was terrified. I never slept long not only because I was uncomfortable, but also because I was afraid if I went to sleep, I was not going to wake up. I thought alot about who was going to find me. I hoped it wouldn't be Daniel - one of my nephews found my brother the morning he died, and I know it messed him up for life. Its not that I wanted Randall to find me, but I prayed to God that He would get him through it.
Fast Forward through the hospital stay all 67 days of it, even through the 59 days I have since been home - I am left with a fading scar on my neck from the trach (I'm so thankful the redness has gone away and its so much less noticeable), two small scars on my right bicep from the pic line, and plenty of emotional scars. I think about this experience every day. Part of me thinks, it was just a hospital stay! The more logical part admits it was a hugely traumatic experience, one that I'll never forget, but one I am so grateful to have lived to remember.
Each day I get a little stronger, but there are things that do get me down. Like my knees. I obviously have arthritis in them, likely damage from my weight, and they hurt so very much so often. The dampness, the cold weather, walking too much. It makes me feel like I am 100 years old on most days.
The other disheartening side effect is my hair. I had reasonably thick hair, but no more. I've lost at least 60% of it. You can see my scalp and my forehead is much higher now. I looked up causes, and well, I am the poster child : traumatic illness, rapid weight loss, and I'm on 2 medications that notoriously cause hair loss. Every time I brush my hair, I have to clean out the causalities. This was something that I used to have to do only about every two weeks. Needless to say, I own a collection of bandanas and hats now, but even they make me feel so conspicuous.
Still, they are small prices to pay on the road to getting well. A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. May God never let me forget those first shaky steps as I clutched that walker in physical therapy in the hospital. Each step will bring me one step closer to all He wants me to be.
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