My Testimony

We are focusing on evangelism at our church this season, and a week or so ago, we talked about sharing our testimonies with those who are not believers. I was asked my our Sunday School leaders to share mine with the class.

The response was so amazing that I decided I'd share it on here. Only God know who this will reach, and if it helps even one person in their walk, then it was worth putting it out here for the world to see.

My Evolution and Birth as a Christian

Like many people my age, I was raised in a loving home with parents who taught me to be kind and respectful and taught me right from wrong. We went to church on Sundays and were good people during the week. I always thought that was enough.

I lived at home until my late twenties. When I moved out, I got lonely and made new friends, but I always felt like something was missing. I knew that most of the friends I made did not share my values on life, but I told myself that as long as I stayed good, it didn’t matter. Over time, I felt a bigger and bigger hole in my heart and I desperately tried to fill it, hanging out with my new friends more, trying to fit in more by being more and more like them. Instead of making things better, they just got worse. Eventually, I hit an all time low - I lost my job and several friends in the process. I struggled so much, I felt so lost.

I well remember the day I fell to my knees in my bedroom and cried out to God, telling Him how very sorry that I had turned my back on Him, that even though I believed, I never truly accepted. I was ready. I asked Jesus to cleanse me from all that I had ever done that was not pleasing to Him, and thanked Him for this miraculous gift that I knew I didn’t deserve. I sobbed for nearly an hour, just pouring out my heart to Him. When I said amen, He dried my tears.

I felt as if the world had been lifted from my shoulders instantly. Even facing the issues I had before me, I had a peace in my heart I had not known. I knew no matter what would happen, God would bring me through it.

2015 was one of the hardest years I have ever had. We lost about half of our monthly household income in March due to a layoff. I’ve never let our financial status worry me, as I truly believe that God will always provide, even when it seems impossible. That’s faith in my heart.

My father died in May, after declining health. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don't miss him, yet, I know I will see him again one day. That’s peace in my heart.

My beloved little shih-tzu that I have had for 16 years died in June. I miss him so much, and shed many tears over him, but I know God didn’t let him suffer for a long time. That is gratitude in my heart.

In September, I was admitted to the hospital with multiple infections, reduced kidney function, abnormal heart function and blood clots in both lungs. I couldn’t be weaned off of a ventilator and had to have a tracheotomy. At one point, I had 9 IV bags flowing various antibiotics and other medicines into my veins. My Mom, who just lost my Dad 4 months earlier, told me she had already started planning my funeral. I had so many people praying for me in churches all over the country, it just humbles me beyond belief. I know in my heart that God heard those prayers. It took 10 weeks, but I left the hospital 100 pounds lighter with a few scars to remember my ordeal with, and every day, I get a little stronger. That, my friend, is Jesus in my heart. He’s waiting to live in yours, too.

A Hairy Situation

I experienced another unwelcome side effect while I was sick. The first sign was when one of the nurses who took a liking to me offered to wash my hair for me. She started getting fistfuls of hair off of my head. I was a little alarmed, but she was scrubbing my head so hard I thought maybe it was my imagination, and I thought maybe since it was wet and sudsy, it just looked like fistfuls.

It wasn't until I got home and started brushing my hair daily that I saw it for myself. Every time I would brush my hair, I had to clean out the brush, which was full of my hair, reminiscent of what it looked like after brushing my hair for weeks and needed to clean it out. I'd run my fingers through my hair and have to many strands in my hand when I'd put my hand down that I wanted to cry.

I looked up the top causes of hair loss in women and my heart sunk.

A trigger event. Many people experience a general thinning of hair several months after a physical or emotional shock.

Examples of trigger events include sudden or excessive weight loss: check
surgery: check
or a death in the family: check


Medications. Hair loss can be caused by drugs used for  heart problems, high blood pressure: check 
 
Hormonal changes. This could be due to onset of menopause: check

 Hormone levels are also affected by the thyroid gland, so thyroid problems may cause hair loss: check.

I am the poster child of hair loss! I honestly figured I'd end up being bald. I stopped going out of the house without a scarf or hat on my head, but even those made me so self conscious.

In just the last few weeks, I noticed less and less coming out. I began to realize that it was due to it pretty much all coming out, and it was growing back. I also realized much to my horror what it looked like....

Short in the back with intermittent strings of long straggly pieces. I finally bit the bullet and went to the salon....

I felt like a new person! My self\confidence came back and I felt somewhat attractive for the first time in forever. It felt so good to go out without my head covered - I felt so normal.

I am so grateful to God that the loss stopped. If you ever experience a similar situation, have a little faith that its not not forever.  Now, I'm looking forward to letting it grow again!

Every day in some small way, it's getting better. God is good!

RECIPE: Chicken Parmesan Meatloaf {Gluten Free, Lower Carb, Low Fat}

Chicken Parmesan Meatloaf 

 

Ingredients

• 24 oz ground chicken breast
• 1 egg white plus 1 whole egg, slightly beaten
• 1/4 c gluten free (or regular) breadcrumbs
• 2 tbsp Italian seasoning, or 1/2 tsp each dried thyme, basil, and oregano
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 small onion, finely chopped
• salt and pepper to taste
• 2 tbsp shredded Parmesan cheese
• 1/2 c of your favorite tomato pasta sauce
• 1/3 to 1/2 c shredded part-skim or reduced fat mozzarella cheese

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 F.
2. In a large bowl, combine the ground chicken, egg white, bread crumbs, thyme, basil, oregano, garlic, onion, salt, pepper, and Parmesan cheese.
3. Shape the mixture into 5 equal sized loaves and place on a parchment lined baking sheet or place into a single loaf pan, sprayed with cooking spray
4. bake for 30 minutes, then add pasta sauce on top of the loaf/loaves
5. bake in the oven for 15 additional minutes
6. Remove meatloaf from oven and sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top.
7. Place back in the oven and bake until cheese melts (about 10 more minutes.)
8. Remove meatloaf from the oven and let rest 5 minutes before serving

The Sound of Silence

I don't know if you saw it, but Thursday night's Grey's Anatomy was especially hard for me to watch. The main character, Meredith, was violently attached by a patient and spent weeks, if not months in the hospital. She temporarily lost her hearing, which I thank God could not relate to. However, her jaw was wired shut to heal a broken mandible, so she could not talk. That was all too familiar. Watching her struggle to communicate brought back a flood of memories.

There is nothing worse than having something to say and not being able to get anyone to understand. You desperately act out  words over and over. After a while, in frustration you just give up. Sometimes, its just too much. Randall had bought me a notebook to write my requests out in, but sometimes, even that wasn't enough.

I remember shortly after the ventilator was put in, a whole gaggle of nurses came in in the middle of the night to bathe me. I was being restrained, as so many people try to pull out the tubes. They naturally untied me to roll me, and I wanted to ask to be left untied, that I wouldn't pull out the tubes. I wanted to write down my request, so I lifted my hand to make the gesture of writing, only to have my hand slammed down to the bed by one of the nurses. I tried again - slam! Again - slam! After several more attempts, my frustration got the better of me and I reached as far as I could and hit the nurse. I was so upset I told Randall, who told the staff to please not allow that particular nurse back in my room.

The next night, she was not there, but the following night, she was back, right at my right shoulder again, again, holing my hand down, not making any attempt to find out what I was trying so desperately to convey. It didn't take as long for my patience to boil over this time. I reached out and threw the first thing I could get a old of from my bedside tray and flung it in her direction. I told Randall he had to get me out of there. I laid a huge guilt trip on him, scrawling "if you loved me you'd take me home.' Not my finest moment. He went to the manager over all of the nurses in the hospital and told them they were not allowed to let that woman anywhere near my room again. This time he got a "yes sir" and I never saw her again. My hero. I also finally got some kind nurses who untied me and realized that I had enough wits about me to not pull on the vent tubing. Things were much nicer then.

Of course after the tracheotomy, I had the advantage of being able to mouth words, even though I was still mute. Turned out not to be as big of an advantage as I had hoped - I had to mouth words multiple times to get many to understand. I took to writing more, although my handwriting while lying in a bed left a lot of be desired. It was the most awful time of my life.

Randall became everything I couldn't be. He slowly got better at lip reading, and he'd approach nurses for me for things I wanted. The whole nurse punching incident he handled amazingly. As long as I live I will never be able to repay him for being my voice. He truly was my hero and I'm still in awe when I think back on the whole ordeal. My prayer for everyone is that each of you have someone love you as unconditionally as I did during any trial you may go through. I would have never made it as far as I have without him. Here's to hoping that  no more TV shows give me flashbacks, too.

Do You Have A Life Verse?

I remember the first time I had heard of life verses. I was watching footage of the Space Shuttle Columbia tragedy, and the show I was watching was interviewing the widow of one of the astronauts. She brought up that her husband's life verse was Philippians 4: 5-6:

 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

She said she was now relying heavily upon that passage, and how it was like her husband was comforting her along with God's words.

I decided then to find my own life verse. I first thought about adopting that verse, but decided to allow God to guide me to my very own. I was drawn to Galatians 6:9:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 I placed this verse in my heart, and thought I understood why God drew me to it, although I had never really experienced a weariness in trying to keep living my life the way I should be. Little did I know.

 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart Jeremiah 1:5

This past week, I really went downhill. Everything was getting to me, I just couldn't cope anymore. The cold had finally crept into our region and it made my knees ache so badly. In fact, all of my joints were so very painful. We just got new (to us) living room furniture, courtesy of my wonderful Mother, who gave us her beautiful sofa and recliners which she had decided to replace.

So, I spent a majority of my days in a recliner, covered up with a blanket, sleeping way more than I had been, moving far less than I had been. I began having flashbacks of days that led up to my extended hospital stay. Was I going backward?

I tried moving and it was just too much. I looked around the house. All of the cleaning I had done in recent days was getting lost in new found clutter. All I could see was the house falling back into disarray I was neglecting my family again. Why was everything....everything in my life so hard? I was getting so fed up. I began taking out my frustrations on my loved ones, grousing around the house, complaining, yelling at them about anything.

I took to Facebook with a cry of despair.... So tired of EVERYTHING being difficult. It's turned me into a real grump to my family. Sometimes I wish I could just give up.

I got responses from my family and friends, messages of support that made me smile, but didn't reach deep into me and touch my heart. This is, until I got to a message from my niece. She quoted my life verse. There it was, in cyber black and white, staring at me, as if to say, "Have you forgotten?"

Suddenly, it became as clear as crystal. This is the reason I picked this verse. God knew thirteen years ago that I was going to need this encouragement at this time. Suddenly, tears sprang to my eyes and I cried for a long while. I shed tears a few more times over the next days until I finally shed the cloud that hung over me. I cannot grow weary. God has a harvest for me at the end of this. He's known all along, and now, I am assured.

Yesterday was a completely different day. I cleaned, I cuddled with my sweet little boy, I hugged my life partner.I went to the store and felt sunshine on my face for the first time in days. It wasn't perfect, I still hurt, I still wobbled, but it was beautiful.

If you don't have a life verse, talk to God, have Him direct you to yours, You never know how the Lord will use his word in your life. You will be blessed and likely, when you least expect it!

Check Up and Test Results

I had my appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, a follow up to or first meeting in November, and to go over my test results.

First, we discussed my sleep study and subsequent placement on a bi-pap machine. She said The test revealed 58 apnea/hypopnea episodes per hour, and with the machine, my average is now 1.8 episodes an hours, which she called excellent.

She said that my lung function test showed no signs of asthma, no signs of COPD. The only thing it reflected were shrunken lungs, which is due to my weight.

She said that she was extremely pleased with my progress. The only thing that she mentioned was my weight, with the shrunken lungs remark and one other time. To me, I took it as a sign that its time to regroup and refocus on losing. I have been happy to maintain, but I need to drop more.

I was so happy with the news that losing weight is actually starting to excite me again. I plan to regroup over the next few days and set the wheels in motion on Monday. I am so looking forward to feeling even better, now that I am somewhat used to feeling this much better from being so ill last year.

I go back to her in April, and she said there is a chance I might be able to discontinue the blood thinners then. She will just want to check my legs to make certain I have no clots in them, and also wants to do a new electrocardiogram to see how much pressure I have on my heart and lungs now. She said she suspects it will have definitely improved, especially with the bi-pap and my other improvements.

I am so thankful to God for all of the healing I have done and for the additional healing that is to come, as I know He will continue to heal me. I need to lean heavily on Him for the weight loss to assure my success. God needs to be in the center so I can make it.

Here's to Monday and the skinniness to come!!

Best Day Ever

If anyone were to ask....

"What has been your best day since you have been home from the hospital?"

Many would think I'd say

"Thanksgiving."

or "My Birthday."

Maybe "Christmas" or "New Years."

While all of these days were celebrated and enjoyed, I would have to say up to this point, my best day has been Friday.

What was so special about Friday you ask?

I got up and the dehumidifier went off because the tank was full. Hubs has to empty it because I have not had the strength to carry a fully bucket of water all the way down the hall to the bathroom to pour the water down the bathtub drain. It went off about 30 minutes after he left for work. I thought about it being off all day and decided to see what I could do.

I pulled the bucket out and picked it up. To my surprise, it didn't seem all that heavy and gave me the courage to keep going. I went down the hall, emptied the reservoir and clicked it back into place. I was so happy with myself, I decided to fold the laundry.

Two huge basketfuls later, I was so excited I went into the kitchen and started something I hadn't done since I had been home from the hospital. In fact, something I hadn't done for months before I went in the hospital. I washed dishes. I took a few breaks - my back would begin to throb, standing up for so long was something I wasn't used to - but I got a huge pile of bowls, plates and utensils washed.

I haven't felt so normal in so long. I was finally able to do some of the duties that I should be doing as a woman in my position of homemaker. Its all I have been wanting for oh so long. God blessed me with a loving family and I've had such a yearning to nurture them and help them flourish. Today just proved to me that I am inching ever closer to being that person. I have God to thank for restoring my health and allowing my strength to grow.

Here's to many more best days, each a step closer to the dream my heart. God is so good!