So Emotional

It's amazing what I realize now that I am regaining a sense of normalcy. One huge thing is how much my emotions were effected.

When my father got sick last spring, it was devastating. When I first took my Mom back and forth to the hospital daily to see him, the stress was wicked. But, by the time me passed away the next month, I suddenly felt like I shut down. I initially told my sister that my dam had not yet burst. When I felt a tear roll down my face just before his service began, she asked me "Did the dam finally break?" I had assumed so, but apparently, not, as I dried up as fast as I cried. I barely shed a tear in the days leading up to his funeral and beyond. It bothered me, but I couldn't make any sense of it.

A month later, my sweet little shih tzu Bijou, who I have had nearly 15 years, became ill, and I knew his end was near. I was still sleeping on the couch at night and he cried all night that night. Instead of it breaking my heart like it does now when I think about it, all I wanted him to do was shut up. When he died the next day, I cried for two minutes as I held him before we buried him, then dried up like an old sponge.

I had no idea that it was my illness doing this to me, effecting my mind along with my body. No idea until I got home and felt a rush of emotions, like I wasn't prepared for. I was overjoyed and so thankful and grateful to be home with my husband and son. I had no idea what I was in store for though. Every time I talked with a family member or friend and they'd tell me how they really thought I was dying, the tears would flow. One day, I said something about my Dad, and it felt like my hear ripped in two. I started thinking about how much I loved him and how much I missed him. I thought about the last time I saw him alive, and how hard he was trying to get his last thoughts across to all of us. I started crying and didn't know when I'd stop.

A few weeks later, we brought out the Christmas decorations and we pulled out the stockings. There was Bijou's. Suddenly, I got pushed back six months, back to holding his furry little lifeless body in my arms. I thought about everything we had been through together, and how before Daniel came along, he was my baby. Instant tears.

It was like my being sick prevented my mourning, not once, but twice. But I discovered, it was so much more than that. I heard the song "Because You Loved Me" b Celine Dion and when I heard her sing "You were my voice when I couldn't speak", I burst into tears. I suddenly thought about how Randall stood up for me in the hospital when I had the trach and couldn't talk, not to mention all he did for me over the 10 weeks and beyond, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love. There's a whole post on this subject coming, and it will give such meaning to this breakdown.

Everything effects me so much more intensely now....viral videos, songs, you name it. I guess after being denied my feelings for so long, they're playing catch up. I just pray I never get like that again. .

Emotions are such a special gift. Never take them for granted....please.